Are you hiding & afraid of being not too much too?

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I walked to school and back since I was six: 5 miles (3,5km) each way.
I liked the forest and knew every tree in it, however in the dark those same trees turned into a potential monster or were hiding one.
To cheer myself up and as well to scare the monsters away I was singing loud as I walked home.
I was convinced if I radiated confidence and fearlessness the monsters would see that I’m not scared and won’t come close to me.
And the road seemed much shorter too and I was having fun.
But then something happened and I changed.
I learned shame.
It crippled me and it shut me down.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I believed it was safer to be quiet, so I don’t provoke the monsters.
And so, I wouldn’t sing anymore and instead was sneaking as quiet as possible while listening to and being terrified by every little noise.
And so I took this habit with me outside the forest.
I was hiding.
Feeling terrible in my skin, afraid to show my emotions and who I was.
I believed I had to be strong so I put that mask on me.
Life itself seemed like that dark forest full of monsters.
And I would try to hide and be careful not to do anything that could drive an attention to me.
I turned into a doormat and had no idea what I wanted, or wouldn’t dare to listen to myself (with some exceptions, thankfully).
I wouldn’t appreciate and share my talents and constantly would be on guard of every step I took.
It took many years to get reed of shame and heal the wounds.
In fact, I still am “dealing” with it.
How about you?
Are you daring to be You?
Are you daring to be that radiant, amazing, unique, beautiful human you were born to be?

Do you feel beautiful, have fun, enjoy miracles of life?

gita,red.dress,swing

Yes, life is not always a strawberry cake – often far from that for many of us.
Terrible things happen, mistakes, bad choices.
We wish that those things never happened.
The shadow of them are following us tightly but we don’t want to do anything with it.
It’s too painful.
It’s too shameful.
We think it makes us less than and unworthy.
And we can’t enjoy life or notice all the miracles.
It drains our energy and vitality.
But as the Japanese philosophy wabi-sabi, close to the fine art of “kintsugi” – repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum and thus highlighting the cracks, says:
– things are more beautiful when they were put back together that once were broken.
When we stop denying and hiding our wounds, brokenness, trauma, flaws and imperfections and instead embracing them we become more beautiful.
And when we feel beautiful we feel good.
When we feel good we do good.
And the “joie de vivre” is easy.

PS. Love the dress I’m wearing? You can get similar here:

What you have been through doesn’t make you ugly.

gita,sea,aug.17

 

WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH DOESN’T MAKE YOU UGLY.

No experience, no ” mistake” (mistake is just a part of a learning curve), being different and not being a “standard” or “normal” make you not good enough.

I became self-conscious about my looks early. 

Being shamed at school for having lice, for spots on my uniform, and dirty nails.


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I cried last night. This is why I am ending war with my negative emotions.

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I’m great at taking life lightly & cheerfully and appreciate all the goodness and beauty around me.And then there are a day or two in a month when I am desperate for cravings. 
A cake, white bread with cinnamon and raisins. 
Or wine. It’s when the deep dark grief knocks me down.   It’s when I feel gruellingly unhappy and I don’t like this feeling. 

I don’t want to feel this way.  

I shouldn’t be feeling this way – I try to convince myself each time.

It’s like I feel all the horrible things/ pain happening in the world extremely intense.

I would do all possible healing there are, listen to uplifting speakers and music to avoid/ get rid of that feeling. 
Eat the cake or have a glass of wine or two. 

Today was this day. Unexpected. 

I saw a video of a dog protecting a child from a danger.
And it recalled the memory from my childhood when our dog didn’t allow my mother & family to punish me. 

And no, my mother/ family weren’t monsters. They did what they were taught/ believed was right to do.

I was approx 3 years old, taken my brother, who was 1 1/2 and we disappeared into the woods. 
Our house was just next to it. 

So we walked and explored the forest and our dog followed us. 
I even remember its’ name.

Of course, when our parents discovered we were gone, they were freaking out like crazy. 

I actually remember clearly the scene when they found us. 
There were lots of people. My grandmother. Some aunts.

Me, my brother and the dog stood in the middle of the circle of the adults. 

As I was the eldest and apparently the reason of the whole trouble, I had to be punished. 
So I can learn and not do things like that again.

Feeling scared and ashamed.
Mostly scared. 
Alone and so small against the angry world. 

But when my mom approached me, the dog wouldn’t allow her to come close to me. 

Someone else tried and the dog wouldn’t let him either. 

There I suddenly felt safe. 
The dog protected me.

So, I escaped the punishment. 
Thanks to the dog. 

Today I know, that deep grief comes, among other, from the feeling unsafe/ unprotected by my parents. 
It shouldn’t be the dog but them who should protect a child. 

I know many people go/ have been through much worse, but today I am not belittling my feelings.

I allow myself to feel the grief. 
I cry. 
I cry and cry.

First, it felt like that heavy never ending rain.
And then it dissolves. 
It takes the grief with. 

Wasn’t that bad. 
It did hurt and wasn’t beautiful. 

Feelings aren’t dangerous, but it takes lots of courage to feel them. 

I know grief.
And I’m not afraid of it any longer. 

It taught me a wisdom and love. 

I love my mom, and my dad & all the other crowd- even it’s still difficult to say it loud (in our culture no one said it unless you were tipsy/ drunk – however, thankfully I never spared all the love/ loving words for my children).

Forgiving is not a big issue for me, as I can see the whole picture. 
Avoiding the painful feeling has been the big issue. 
Now I know better. 
I just damn cry if I feel like.
Suppressing/ controlling/ not feeling aren’t the answer and it’s extremely unloving towards yourself and your loved ones.

 

When life gets you down – go higher. How I became a beauty queen.

Gita Gavare / Beauty contest from Gita Gavare Marotis on Vimeo.

There are moments in life when we believe that everything is falling apart.
Life can be painful. Devastatingly so.

 

I was 22 and just went through a traumatic experience.
I told only my sister and few other involved knew about it.

 

I even didn’t consider going to the police – not only I didn’t trust it, I was also afraid of it.

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